


Crack-y Oneshots

by Lorca_McAlias



Category: Nancy Drew - Carolyn Keene
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medieval, At least chapter 3 is, Attempted Sexual Coercion, Crack, Ethnicity Changes, Gen, Inspired by Dreams, Jet Lag, Jewish Character, Mentions of Period-Typical Sexism, Modern Day Nazis, scam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:09:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28559604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorca_McAlias/pseuds/Lorca_McAlias
Summary: I've been rereading my old Nancy Drew books, and they have this annoying tendency to refer to Nancy's aunt Eloise as “Miss Drew” while she's talking to Nancy, who is also female, unmarried, and a Drew.
Relationships: Carson Drew & Eloise Drew, Carson Drew & Nancy Drew, Eloise Drew & Nancy Drew, Nancy Drew/Ned Nickerson





	1. Mx Drew

“You're not leaving the house dressed like that.” said Drew to Drew.

Drew's startled look was quickly replaced by one of righteous indignation. Or righteous indignation's calmer little brother.

“Firstly, I don't see how that's any of your business, and secondly, what's wrong with how I'm dressed?”

“You don't think that if you show up to court in those paint splattered jeans you'll be charged with contempt or something?” Drew seriously wondered where Drew's mind had gone. Normally he was smarter than this.

“I'm helping paint the theater.”

“Oh, today's Saturday! Sorry, jet lag.”

There was a lot of jet lag going around, as not only had Drew just returned from a case in California, but plenty more distantly related Drews had descended on the house from across the land.

Alas, one Drew couldn't make it. But Drew had thought of something for that: she'd recently bought some video conferencing equipment. She waited 'till all the other Drews had gone to test it out, so as not to disappoint them if it didn't work.

Suddenly an image appeared on the screen. It was of a Drew, but over twenty years younger than the one the call was meant for.

“Nancy?”

“Eloise!”

“Where are you?”

“I'm investigating a studio in a house on Corville Lane.”

As Drew wasn't from River Heights she had no idea where that was, but wrote it down anyway to be safe.

“Really Nancy, sleuthing during a family reunion?”

“Sorry.” she said, not sounding very sorry. “This shouldn't take too long, I'm just looking around. But how did you call this place?”

Drew realized that if she told Drew the whole story, Drew would start wondering where her mind had gone. But lying could screw up Drew's investigation, which could put her in danger.

“There was a man selling devices which he said let you make video calls with the dead …”

“And you believed him?”

“Not exactly, but they were cheap so I thought I'd give it a try. Besides, I had jet lag.”

“Jet lag?”

“Jet lag.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been rereading my old Nancy Drew books, and they have this annoying tendency to refer to Nancy's aunt Eloise as “Miss Drew” while she's talking to Nancy, who is also female, unmarried, and a Drew.


	2. Medieval/Fantasy AU

Once upon a time it was accepted that smart people know Latin, and women don't, so women aren't smart. And since women aren't smart, there's no point in attempting to teach them Latin, since only smart people can learn Latin. You see the problem here.

Well, there was one man who didn't quite have the “modern” mindset about these things, but decided to teach his daughter Latin anyway to see what would happen. What happened was that she learned Latin. And then she knew Latin so good that a plot happened.

…

“Haha!” said Evil McBadguy “I have arrested your father, and if you don't agree to sleep with me I'll have him executed.” (I have no idea how this logically follows from Nancy learning Latin.)

Nancy was talking the situation over with her friends when George said “You should pretend to agree, and then stab Evil McBadguy with a hidden dagger and run off into the woods.”

“George, I'm from a family of intelligentsia. I may have some sporty hobbies, but I don't know how to survive out in the wilderness any more than you do.”

“It can't be that hard.” George said, wrongly, because she's wrong. Even in modern times people with modern gear can still die trying to live out in the wild. “I'll bring some tents and crossbows. We just shoot some deer, gather some wild onions, and start a fire in the middle of our camp. I'm sure we can figure that out.”

Actually, Nancy's more likely than Carson to be doing something one can get arrested for.

“Haha!” said Evil McBadguy “I have arrested your daughter, and if you don't agree to sleep with me I'll have her executed.”

That's a great way to introduce the only man who's attracted to men in this fic so far. </sarc>

“Haha!” said Evil McBadwoman “I have arrested your daughter, and if you don't agree to sleep with me I'll have her executed.”

If Evil McBadwoman is going to have the power to do that that would mean ditching the intro, but that has nothing to do with where this story is headed anyway.

Carson Drew obviously did not talk this over with George. Instead he took it to Evil McBadwoman's boss.

“I'm not going to tell McBadwoman how to do her job just because some thief's father makes such a baseless accusation against her.” said Dumb Boss. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

So Carson Drew, lawyer, went to the archives to look at McBadwoman's previous judgments. If she had a pattern of pardoning random people at the last minute that could be brought to Dumb Boss for evidence, while if she didn't that meant she probably wasn't actually bribable and so giving in to her demands would be pointless. And since many hands make light work and file cabinets had yet to be invented, he recruited the whole of clan Drew and Nancy's friends for the task.

Meanwhile, Nancy wasn't just sitting around in the dungeon waiting to be hanged. She was looking for ways to escape. Ways that would involve me knowing the layout of the dungeon.

Damn.


	3. The Pastorman Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are bits where I smoothed over some very easy to smooth over stuff, but the bit where Nancy and Ned talk about ethnicity retcons was actually like that in my dream.

Nancy dove into the water. The pond in the park was not a perfect hiding spot by any means, but it was long enough to have a bridge going over it and she only really needed to escape from this one guy before his friends got here. The man saw that running in after her would be pointless. Instead, he tried a different tack. He walked onto the middle of the nearest bridge and turned into Pastorman. Clearly he was trying to provoke Nancy. It had been quite some time since the mantle of Pastorman had been worn by an actual pastor. The last person to have had the transformation trinket had been Nancy's father, lawyer Carson Drew. The only way this jerk would have it is if they'd gotten him.

Nancy was seething with anger inside, but she managed to resist the temptation to do something stupid because of it. She slipped away past the long line of prisoners and over to the swimming pool to wash up and blend in with the people there. One of the people she met there was Ned. Then the bad guys started approaching. Nancy and Ned quickly hid in the stairwell.

At this point I feel the need to point out that this is all taking place in modern times.

“I didn't know you were on another case.” Ned said.

“I'm not.” Nancy replied. “They're after me because I'm Jewish. Someone has to be since Nathan Gomber isn't anymore.”

“But isn't your mother from Scotland?”

“There's Jews in Scotland.”

When the coast seemed clear they got out of the stairwell, only to hear the announcement that this pool was open illegally and everyone in it was going to be arrested.

Nancy just went along with it, kept her head down and tried to look glum, and wasn't recognized. This was probably the safest place for her to be right now. Surely, among their own prisoners would be the last place her enemies would think to look for her. Going by the oxygen mask principle, one must first not get murdered by wannabe Nazi's before one can help others. If that was even what they were trying to do to her. But this was a pretty bad position from which to eventually help others.

Then Nancy thought of something. “If I'm Jewish, shouldn't I be able to move things with my mind?”

Ned stifled a laugh, despite the seriousness of the situation. “I think you've got Jews confused with Jedi there.”


End file.
